Military seeks kids to fly helicopters

Army HR chiefs raised bushy eyebrows last week when they announced they were sending senior officials to snatch children from schools to fly Apache helicopters.

Apparently, teenagers’ PlayStation skills make them perfect for doing the good work of our Queen in ensuring that a corner of many foreign fields are forever destroyed by England (Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland).

Guru applauds this ruthless thinking, and wonders what other jobs teenagers could be signed up for by clever HR staff.

With their experience in squeezing pimples, perhaps they could be fast-tracked into NHS surgery roles. Their finely tuned abilities to pick an argument over any given issue make them prime candidates for political parties looking for MPs. And their hormonal obsession with sex surely puts them in the picture for all manner of editorial and advertising work. In fact, Guru had better watch his back – those pesky kids will have his job away.

Disney guest rocked by eye of the Tigger

There is trouble in Disney World after an employee dressed as Tigger landed a left hook on a 14-year-old visitor.

The stunned victim claimed he had done nothing to provoke the attack – although Guru feels that being called Jerry Monaco may be provocation enough. In fact, when you learn that his father was also called Jerry Monaco, you realise he was lucky not to have received a follow-up right hander and possibly a kick in the Magic Kingdom.

Regardless, those callous Disney HR chiefs have suspended the employee while they consider their options. So Guru has hatched an idea that could save him.

As they look to prove their strategic worth to the company, the HR leaders could put Tigger forward for the inaugural Disney World Boxing Championships. Obviously this would require some innovative workplace training and some delicate pay negotiations, but who wouldn’t want to see Tigger take on Mickey Mouse over 12 rounds?

If Jessica Rabbit holds up the round cards, then Guru will be on the next flight to Florida.

First sighting for ‘Shepherd Watch’

The first response to Guru’s plea for shepherd sightings (Personnel Today, 12 December) came in this week from the wonderfully named Plumpton College.

Dear Guru,

Can I reassure you that our shepherd is still alive and well – definitely not extinct!

Last year, Peter was not only to be sighted on the South Downs and around the college, but he also had the best part of a page in the Daily Telegraph dedicated to him, as well as an appearance on BBC local news. In a bid to avoid extinction, not only has he started a family (just in case) but provides specialist instruction for Plumpton Agriculture students, at various levels of courses.

We have people employed in a wide variety of agricultural, horticultural and other land-based professions working alongside our lecturers in providing specialist training – but the one that attracts the most attention is probably our wine maker.

Best wishes, Disciple Val

It has brightened up Guru’s January to know there is still work out there for shepherds. However, it is a little worrying to see shepherds being forced to supplement their income by encouraging youngsters to follow them into a profession where they will in turn need to supplement their income by luring in yet more children – a vicious cycle if ever there was one. At least the wine makers can get drunk and forget it all.

If you know of any shepherds managing to survive in the carbon-enhanced temperature of the 21st century – or of any other professions in need of rescue –
e-mail [email protected]

Sponsorship deal hots up

The temperature is rising – at least according to Guru’s fundraising thermometer. The second corporate sponsor has signed up to support the Personnel Today teams’ efforts in the Osborne Clarke Challenge, part of the Asics Reading Half Marathon, which takes place on 25 March.

Recruitment and staff communications agency TCS is the latest organisation to take advantage of the hottest sponsorship opportunity since Anthea Turner’s Cadbury’s Snowflake wedding.

All corporate sponsors that pledge £25 or more to either or both teams (the boys: ‘This time it’s Personnel’, and the girls: ‘HR Cheetahs’) will get a mention in this celebHRity gossip column. They will also feature on our athletic attire and in promotional photos. The higher the pledge, the bigger the logo. Personal sponsorships arealso welcome.

Click here to sponsor the teams. All proceeds go to The Children’s Trust.

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