Guru

Guru has always admired the Italians for their love of the absurd, and Silvio Berlusconi has made a bold statement with the appointment of a former topless model to his cabinet as equal opportunities minister.

Mara Carfagna came sixth in the tough political testing ground that is the Miss Italy contest, and was inspired to enter politics – perhaps spurred on by Berlusconi's declaration that he would marry her at an awards dinner in 2007... if only he wasn't already married to Mrs Berlusconi.

The shy and retiring Carfagna claims to represent family values and if any readers want to see what all the fuss is about, that bastion of family values, the Mail on Sunday, provides the most revealing pictures of the semi-naked politician.

Continue reading "Berlusconi's model approach to equality" »

News that retired chess champ Gary Kasparov is to be a speaker at the Leaders in London conference this year came as a bolt from the (deep) blue for Yours Truly.

Having very nearly followed every step of the 'exciting', yet somewhat chequered career of the master of all things chess-shaped, Guru is wondering if he is the only person confused by this choice of 'leader'.

After all, Kasparov won some chess games, lost to a computer (IBM's 'Deep Blue'), won some more chess games and... er... that's it. Or just about.

Continue reading "Gary Kasparov – business genius" »

A dramatic fall in the number of arsonists and car crashers has led to firefighters being deployed on some distinctly unperilous missions.

Guru was unfortunate enough to witness one such event recently, while sitting around a camp fire with a nice bottle of Chablis.

Much to his horror, the quiet hoots of the occasional owl were pierced by the ear-splitting cries of a frantic, yet exotic bird – of the feathered variety, naturally.

Wondering what all the squawking was about, Yours Truly took up his glass and wandered into the deep dark forest...

Continue reading "Exotic bird unmoved by firefighters' massive torches" »

Police officers in Norfolk have come up with a clever scheme to cut crime in the county. Rather than actually stopping criminals commiting crimes, they are reducing the amount of things criminals do which count as crime.

A leaked internal memo from an inspector in East Anglia reportedly read: "We appear to be making things difficult for ourselves by criming [Guru applauds the creation of a new word] things which aren't actually crimes. One example is where a car window is found to be damaged, no entry to the vehicle, no witnesses and no idea how it happened... If there is no evidence of someone intending to destroy or be reckless then there is no crime."

Well, Guru wonders whether there is any evidence of some of these police officers actually policing - perhaps their definition, and pay packet, should be adjusted accordingly.

Continue reading "Norfolk in chance for HR" »

Guru was mightily impressed with the downright arrogance of the outgoing Italian administration when it posted the earnings of every citizen in Italy on the internet.

And now it seems the UK HR profession is keen to instigate a similar expose in Blighty, starting with their own meagre salary sacks (Alan Warner excluded, obviously), all in the name of 'pay parity'.

And as the one of the department's with full access to the nation's pay packets who could stop them.

Continue reading "Italian pay chaos inspires new equality theory" »

OK, so it's a bit late to be throwing the hat into the ring, but judging by the lack of enthusiasm for Ken 'the lizard' Livingstone, Boris 'the buffoon' Johnson and Brian 'who?' Paddick, Yours Truly feels that none of the main candidates should be allowed to run the capital.

Of course, there is the green candidate, Sian Berry, who is better looking and has better ideas than all of them. But if she were to be given an opportunity that would be a signal that women are being taken more seriously in society... even by women.

Sadly that's not the case, so the best next thing is Yours Truly. And the only fair way of instituting this momentus change is to have a 'Guru only shortlist'. What could possibly go wrong? So vote now. First choice: Guru. Second choice... er... Guru.

News reaches Guru that chief among the shocks at this year's PPMA conference (theme 'Evolution or Extiction') in Brighton is the revelation that president Stephen Moir is only 34 years old.

The young whippersnapper has already achieved a lot in his career and has a very high profile job as director of people and policy at Cambridgeshire County Council. Now he has stepped into the job of president there lies a lot of responsibility on the shoulders of one so young.

However, Guru feels that Moir could do with a makeover, Trinny and Susannah style, to further boost his credentials among the fashionista of the HR profession. Guru hears there were gasps of disbelief echoing around the conference when Moir's age was revealed in an article for a local government magazine.

Help could be at hand though. The more stylish ladies of the PPMA's higher echelons have already offered to revamp his image, right down to his socks and haircut. Guru thinks this raises the all too depressing prospect of HR once again being accused of favouring style over substance

Guru also heard on the HR jungle drums that Hertfordshire County Council HR chief and Chelsea fan Alan Warner was bemoaning the cost of a trip to Moscow for the Champions League final.

After a quick scan of the recent Town Hall Rich List which revealed the salaries of senior managers in local government, Guru thinks Warner's only worry might be whether to fly business or first class to Russia...

Guru has always considered himself part of the fashionista, keeping a close eye on the catwalk and this season's must-have designs.

Yours Truly prides himself on a keen sense of style as well. It was, after all, Guru that inspired the theatrical Blue Man Group with their crazy music and art show. So it's safe to say that Guru knows fashion - Gok Wan has Guru's number on speed dial.

With this in mind, Guru's attention has been drawn to something called a 'uniform review' by the Met Police.

The Met's top brass having been looking at new designs for male and female coppers. As part of this, students from the London College of Fashion have been asked to come up with new designs for the boys (and girls) in blue.

Just take a look at this picture and tell Guru what you think. This is not right on so many levels.

Just what is going on here? Is the man with the crazy hair a serving police officer or a student? Guru thinks the Met's recruitment policy wouldn't let blokes in with a barnet like that. And what is the senior officer doing to him? Is that the Met's new restraint policy for crimes against fashion?

This 'cape' - for it is thus - is a "high visibility garment", which then folds up into a small pouch for storage in a pocket or utility belt. It also allows officer to swoop down on their victimes like a modern day Batman.

WPCs will be happy to note that the design for their new trousers feature an "adjustable waistband", allowing officers to choose whether to wear them low or high waisted "for the best comfort".

Now when they are chasing crims of tackling late night drunks they can do so in the peace of mind they are wearing comfy slacks.

"The designs from the students will be fed into the uniform review," says the Met's press release. In other words, these will never make it onto the streets of London.

Shocking news has winged its way into the blue lugholes today.

Apparently using your brain... um... makes your brain work better.

Guru realises this may come as a shock to many in the public sector - many of whom give the appearance of leaving their brain at the door when entering the workplace - but it kind of makes sense.

Think about the possibilities.

OK, I'll rephrase that: If you're not one of the mindless Civil Service jockeys who do not use their grey matter, think about the possibilities.

After all, using your legs stops them becoming slack and floppy, using your eyes enables you to see things and stops your eyelids from sticking together, using your nose relieves nasal blockages and thereby enables lungs to function more effectively, and using your hands – as opposed to having them strapped up in boxing gloves throughout your teenage years – has obvious benefits to more than just your fingers.

According to the Times, just doing a little light mental activity – that's puzzles to the rest of us – makes your brain work better.

But before sad commuters committed to Sudoku and crosswords start feeling smug, that type of puzzle just doesn't cut the mustard.

What you need is an 'n-back' test. Well what's that, you might ask? So Guru will enlighten you...

Continue reading "Red letter days are good for the brain" »

At last a government department has managed to get its workers excited about its employer brand.

Staff at the Office of Government Commerce (OGC) apparently displayed a far more vigorous reaction than was expected when showed their new mouse mats, proudly carrying the department's new logo.

Intended to 'signify a bold commitment to the body’s aim of improving value for money by driving up standards and capability in procurement', it looked more like a bloke having a w*nk.

Continue reading "OGC makes Olympic-sized cock-up" »