October 12, 2007
Having spent the past two days on tour with some former Soviet chums, Guru found himself deep in conversation with Disciple Boris talking about the shoddy way his Russian compatriot Alexei Smertin has been treated while plying his trade in the UK.
It turns out that Smertin is a soccer player and has passed from club to club in the UK without so much as a thank you.
Inexplicably bought by Russian satellite team ‘Chelski’ for £3.45m, the unloved Smertin managed just 11 games and no goals before being passed on to Portsmouth then Charlton, then Dynamo Moscow, before ending up back in West London at Fulham.
It seems the long-haired captain of Russia (52 international caps so far) has been failing to hit the target, despite having a mean left foot and being touted as an ‘attack-minded’ midfield general – although baring in mind Russia’s recent rekindling of its love affair with all things military, perhaps Smertin’s CV actually says ‘attack-minded general’ and he’s a sleeper cell awaiting Putin’s call.
Smertin’s work-life bank balance seems to be geared to ‘life’ and ‘cash’ – most of it coming from Russian oligarch and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich – but his lack of goals has clearly undermined his confidence.
Ever keen to dispense his worldly wisdom, Smertin’s lack of scoring success prompts Guru to suggest he takes up smoking – although if Boris and co are anything to go by, he already does.
A tabbed-up Smertin could then indulge in the latest craze to grip the nation ad indulge in a bit of ‘Smirting’, which Guru understands is a combination of a cigarette-based respiratory workout combined with ogling members of the opposite sex in pub car parks and on doorsteps, while indulging in the odd glass or two of beer/wine/vodka (smoking + flirting = smirting, although it could just as easily be 'floking').
That way at least he’ll be able to score off the pitch – although if his on-field antics are anything to go by (with a scoring rate of 0.02 goals per appearance), Smertin will be Smirting until about 2020 before striking up more than a conversation or a match and getting his hands on his real goal.
