Guru

For it seems the purple-clad head of the church plans to be doing a bit of juggling, pulling the odd rabbit out of the hat and sawing assorted relatives in half by becoming a magician to earn her daily bread, once her errant son – the not-so-bonny Prince Charlie – gets his mitts on the crown.

The shock news that Her Maj was joining the ever-decreasing ranks of those much-maligned, permanent grinmasters was broken in an interview with the she devil’s own daughter – well… the daughter of Queenie II’s least favourite former royal bride, flame-haired Fergie the 1st (as opposed to former Black Eyed Pea and US chanteuse, Fergie II) – sixth-in-line-to-the-throne princess Eugenie.

The princess was talking to former Eton pupil Geordie Greig, editor of 'society' mag Tatler, who paradoxically reports that Eugenie is “as polite as a cucumber sandwich”. And, whereas Yours Truly can confirm that its more acidic tomato-based cousin has been known as rather a potty-mouthed accomplice in the cheese toastie department, it is her comments about her dear ol’ gran that sparked a flurry of wild speculation in the grey matter that passes for Guru's brain.

Eugenie reveals all, describing the monarch as: “Truly one of the most amazing women ever… All I can say is that she has this air of magic about her.”

Championing the cause of lost and struggling jobs in the disappearing world of work has been a Guru hobby in recent years, so its good to see that the Queen will be pulling an occupation ‘out of the hat’ and waving her wand around a bit to fulfil her majesterial need for adulation in her hour of need.

The princess does not make it clear whether Her Royalness will be adopting the Derren Brown style of low-key magicality, or if she’ll be going for the full Paul Daniels ‘lion and unicorn in a top hat’ routine. Nor whether Phil the Greek will be forced to don stockings and a shiny black bodice to do some useful Debbie McGee-style pointing next to the magic tricks.

Eugenie went on to describe Her Maj as “…incredibly wise”, adding: “What doesn't she know?"

This set the grey matter whirring once more: How does one make a sandwich? How does one tie a shoelace? How does one pay a bus fare? How does one buy a bottle of rosé?

But Eugenie is probably right. The Royal family must have something up their sleeves – how else could such a rag-tag troup of lifelong spongers and workshy fops have managed to preserve their privileged existence for so long.

And aside from preserving a dying profession by joining the ranks of the conjurors, it's good that the old Queen has an 'air of magic' about her. After all, most octogenarians are surrounded by the distinctive whiff of cabbage soup.